Guilt:

The 7 stages of grief explained:

This model of working through loss can be helpful in explaining your feelings if your animal companion is missing, or if they have gone over the rainbow bridge. Different kinds of loss, but still loss. It’s quite helpful to know that the feelings you work through are normal, although uncomfortable.

Shock and disbelief:

When you first find out about the loss of an animal companion, your initial reaction might be shock or complete disbelief. You’re not quite in denial, you can’t even begin to think what has just happened. This is a defence mechanism designed to protect you from the pain.

Denial:

While denial shares similarities to disbelief, it is its coping mechanism and also helps you to deal with grief and pain. You might deny that your animal companion has gone or push the thoughts out of your head. Some people can get stuck in a pathological and chronic state of denial and refuse to admit that anything bad has happened, but this is rare.
This phase takes form in different ways. Some people will deny they are grieving or affected by the loss, whilst others will deny their animal companion has gone.

Guilt:

Guilt can feel like a punch to the gut. It’s completely normal to wonder what you could have done to prevent the loss from happening. While most of us will feel some guilt with the loss of a pet (thoughts such as “I should have done more?”) Some people will experience “complicated grief.”
Complicated grief is often centred around guilt and causes the sufferer to ruminate endlessly about the details of the loss and what they could have done differently. They also struggle to accept the finality of loss.

Anger and bargaining:

This stage usually occurs sometime after the loss, and you’re trying to go about your life as usual. That’s often when the anger comes in, and bargaining as well.
You might start to feel angry at the vets, or another party, and perhaps even at the animal companion you have lost. This anger can often cause a person to feel even more guilt, but know that it is entirely normal and provides a necessary emotional release.
In some cases, people begin to ‘bargain’ mentally, even though they know it is in vain. For example, “I would do anything to have my animal companion back.”

Depression, loneliness and reflection:

Now that you have fully acknowledged the loss, it is common to experience depression and/or deep sadness. You may also feel lonely and isolated from others. This can be an especially poignant time to seek the help and guidance of a counsellor or support network who can help you through the pain of your loss.
These sessions can be an opportunity for reflection about what your animal companion meant to you, the true nature of your relationship, and how you can move on in the future.
Reconstruction, or ‘working through’:
By this time, you may still find yourself moving up and down the ladder, but are building a new life without your pet and living a ‘new normal.’ The hurt may feel raw and painful, and you now know that you cannot change the situation. Though you may not be fully ready to accept the loss, you know that life has to go on.

Acceptance:

The final stage of this model is acceptance. You have worked through the most painful and difficult work of grieving, and you accept that your animal companion is gone and that you need to continue living your life.
You may begin to find joy again and smile rather than wince or cry when you think of your animal companion. You may join new clubs, start a new hobby, take a trip, or clear out possessions, keeping only the most important mementoes.

How long do the seven stages of grief last?

There is no set time for how long the process of grieving should last. For some people, the process may take several weeks. For others, it may be years.

Loss is never easy:

As time passes, you may find that you occasionally regress to one of the early stages, especially around holidays or anniversaries. However, over time, it does become easier, and your pain will subside. It never goes away completely, but you can live with your loss.
It's not easy, but keep talking to those around you and share your feelings. Help is available, and while it can feel incredibly lonely, you don't need to go through this alone.

Mags, January 2026

No need for negativity.

In the time that our cats have been missing, the majority of contact from people has been that of support and kindness, but as with all things in life, you will encounter some negativity along the way. I have learned to ignore this, it doesn’t help you in any way, and the negative person really must have nothing better to do with their day. That doesn’t mean that a negative comment doesn’t hurt in the moment, but it is key not to take it to heart.

Comments that I have received personally and observed towards other people are:

• It’s only an animal!
• If you have to rehome your pet, you shouldn’t be allowed a pet.
• Your missing pet will not be missing you.
• If you live near a road, you shouldn’t have a pet.
• You clearly can’t look after your animals.
• You have health problems so you shouldn’t be allowed a pet.
• I don’t believe you lost them.

These kinds of comments can really impact your emotions, which are really high to begin with, and if you allow, can increase your sadness and feelings of guilt. I’m not going to dwell on this subject as we don’t want to focus on negativity, but I always think to myself that the person making such comments do not know me. They do not know who I am and my life story. I know such comments aren’t true and that’s what I have to hold on to. Another person does not make the rules for your life. Head up high and oodles of self belief.

The best thing you can do for another person is to show kindness, and say “I understand”, and as the saying goes, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Mags January 2026

Losing a pet is considered traumatic grief.

Losing a pet is considered traumatic grief.

This can apply to a pet going missing, a pet being stolen, having to surrender a pet due to circumstances out of your control, and of course, a pet who has gone over the rainbow bridge. These scenarios are all very different, but they bring with them the same waves of emotions. It is known that there are 5 stages of grief, and these are: 

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

These are considered to play out one after another, working through each stage before the next one can be reached, and ultimately ending with acceptance. I feel this method is very black and white, and grief of any kind usually isn’t linear, it doesn’t run smooth, and as with everything else, people manage loss very differently. 

There is a 7 stage model of grief and loss which includes:

Shock and Denial

Pain and Guilt

Anger and Bargaining

Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

The Upward Turn

Reconstruction and Working Through

Acceptance and Hope

I feel with this second model, it allows for back and forth, waves of emotion, and although the 7^th stage is ultimately where you want to be, it won’t happen in order, and it won’t happen with ease. I can experience these waves of emotions in one single day, I have a really good day let’s say, then really bad weather hits. I then feel instantly very guilty and very sad that our cats are out there, are they injured? Are they cold? Are they sad? And with that wave, I’m thrown right back to the beginning.

Dealing with loss is never easy, there are no set ways in how you may cope with it, but one thing I have learned, is that to work around any of these emotions, and to learn to cope, and even accept what has happened (by accepting what has happened, it feels as if the lost pet has been forgotten, but this is not so, it is purely about accepting the situation that has occurred at that point of time), any guilt or anger carried must be worked through. Guilt and anger are extremely destructive and can tear people apart. One way I look at this, is although we have 3 missing cats, we have Blue and Dave, and we are so fortunate to have them back, and lucky, all the luck in the world. Their day doesn’t stop, they still need feeding, they need play time, they need Chief Poop picker (that’s me) to clean up after them. They still need our care, and that is such a strong driving force.

Another way of thinking about this loss, as I have had to really teach myself this one, is that it didn’t happen on purpose. Scenarios and risks are endless, mistakes happen. But one good note of advice, that I tell myself daily is this:

                                “You didn’t wake up this morning and decide to allow your pet to become lost, or to escape through the gate, fence, hedge and so on. Your motives were not bad.”

I have found this so helpful and so useful in restoring some sense of mental wellbeing in what is an absolutely ghastly experience. I even felt that I am a terrible person and questioned if I deserve this?

I think that working through all my emotions, the sadness that myself and my partner found ourselves in, the sadness felt by Blue and Dave, believe me they knew something was wrong. But how do you explain it to a cat? This gave me the drive to set up Buddies, to me its about keeping our hope alive that Big Vic, Jenny Mae and Brick will return or be found, and if even the smallest bit of support can be given to someone else then it is a 100% worth doing.

I will be delving in further to the 7 different stages of the above model, and the aim will be to look at how each one can affect you, and in turn what you can maybe do to alleviate some of your pain.

Mags January 2026

Navigating the new normal.

They are outdoor cats in the most part, and all extremely able to survive like Bear Grylls might, but that doesn’t stop the worry, it does ease it of course it does, but even so. Jenny Mae is extremely feral and tends to watch people from the tree tops rather like the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland, only a bit more psycho. Another human being will probably never see her as she goes to ground completely. Big Vic is less feral, but equally able, he is nervy of others, but over time he may approach humans. And Brick is the most social of the lot, had him since a baby, and hand reared by Marc and I from 3 weeks old. He is very capable and more likely to approach people than the other two.

When we started to realise they weren’t coming back, waves of many emotions sweep over you, but mostly guilt and sadness. The guilt is awful, but one thing that I’ve learned during this time is to show yourself some kindness, its key to remind yourself that “you didn’t wake up that morning with the intention of losing your cats”. Sometimes bad things just happen.  Despite high emotions, action kicked in! Constantly searching, posts all over social media, networking with local vets and so on (these will all be discussion points in other posts about practical steps). I would get really sad and guilty again when the weather turned bad, I would think the cats don’t love me and why would they leave us? I felt empty. I almost hated calling them because they never came to my calls. I dreaded searching for them on foot because I never found them. With anxiety they talk about fight or flight. This meaning that when you feel anxiety you either run away from the stimulus to avoid any painful feelings, or you run towards the stimulus and try to fight it, as the word says. In my case, and this is now recognised alongside fight or flight, is freeze. I froze. Time stood still. I felt like I daren’t do anything because then I wouldn’t feel the sadness.  I know this isn’t helpful, but any kind of anxiety isn’t reasonable.  There is also the notion that time heals, I don’t agree fully with this, but time does allow you to learn how to live with the situation you are in. Part of my career involved palliative care (for humans not animals), trained in bereavement and loss counselling, and in more recent years pet bereavement studies. Now I know when a pet is missing, it is different to when one has passed, but the emotions are pretty much the same.  I heard something the other day which really aligned with this, they were talking about feelings when a person has died, but to me it resonates with an animal or person that is also missing.

I can’t remember where I heard it or who said it, but it goes as follows:

                                “I don’t think there is such a thing as closure. Its navigating my way around my new normality. Allowing me to live and rest in peace.”

I think it is a really good statement. Life is never the same after a pet (or three) go missing, but life still has to go on. I have my partner, my family and friends, and we have Blue and Dave our other two cats. They all need our love and attention, and energy has to be put into them. By doing this I am not forgetting our cats are missing, absolutely not, the search still goes on and hope is top of the pile. I will always hope we are reunited with Big Vic, Jenny Mae and Brick, and that in itself keeps us going.

Mags January 2026